Fire Emblem Christmas Carols
by Ivanfanatic
Summary: More FE9 tidbits for the holidays. Ike decides that only soda is allowed in the army messhall and tent saloon, and three unhappy troops sing about their sober woes. Features Janaff, Shinon, and Gatrie if you haven't guessed it yet.
1. Default Chapter

Chapter 1 Pegasus Bells, Wyvern Bells

Ah, it was 12 days until Christmas and the spirit of giving has obviously struck our happy little duet of Heath the Wyvern Rider and Florina the Pegasus Knight. The defenses of Bern consisted of a lot of Wyvern riders, so Kate thought It'd be a grand idea to chuck in all the flying people since everyone ELSE couldn't get over the mountains. Florina and Heath had become inseparable since they were all cooped up in a house for about. 5 days. Bored but happy, the two of them came up with a darling little song to sing while flying about.

"Hey Florina, look!" Heath pointed from the back of his wyvern and down to the stupid magician trying to take out Lord Penthouse. "I say we take him out and then all the other little swordsmen that really aren't there but are now."

"Sounds good to me, Heath! Of course, I think singing would make it much more fun." She'd wink over at her partner. Heath knew exactly what they were thinking and the wyveryn rider and the Pegasus knight launched into the air, singing a happy. but oddly morbid. little song..

Florina and Heath began to sing "Dashing through the air On a Pegasus ride Over the mountains we go Laughing all the time Bells on wyverns ring Making spirits bright What fun it is to laugh and sing-"

Florina and Heath both closed in on the magician, then shouted "THEN SPEAR YOU IN THE SIDE!!!"

The Magician screamed AAAAH MY SPLEEN!!!! Florina and Heath:

"Pegasus bells, Wyvern bells, Riding all the way! Oh what fun it is to ride And all the while slay, HEY!"

" AHHHHHHHHH CRAP!!!!" from a random swordsman.

Erk looked up at the mountain from where the scream came from, then over at Lucius. "Did you hear that?"

"Did I hear what?" Lucius was too busy oogling at Rath as he took out an axeman to pay attention so Erk looked over at Serra.

"It sounded like. well like someone was getting mauled to the tune of Jingle bells." She scratched her head. "Listen, they're singing another verse!"

Heath sang, "A day or two a go I thought I'd take a fly And soon Miss Florina Was seated by my side"

Florina sang, "The wyvern 'twas lean and lank Misfortune seemed our lot We got into the battle field"

Florina and Heath sang together, "AND SLAUGHTED THE WHOLE LOT!!!"

"OH DEAR GOD!!!!!" The archers cried and ran for cover.

Florina and Heath sang, "Pegasus Bells, Wyvern bells Riding all the way! Oh what fun it is to ride And all the while slay, HEY!"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!" a random monk burst into tears as the two crazy ones ran him through.

"This is starting to get way out of hand." Kent mumbled, pulling on the reigns of his overexcited horse. "I'm going to go tell them to stop."

"But they're defeating the enemy, managing to stay alive, and actually DOING a good job of it!" Lyn tried to protest.

"Yeah, but they're stealing all the experience points!" Raven shouted.

"Good point. Let's get 'em!!!" Lyn thrust up her sword and leaped on the back of Kent's horse.

Florina sang "A day or two ago A story I must tell I fly out on my pegasi And off his back I fell A wyvern was flying by With a rider in the fray He helped me up On my pegasi"

Florina and Heath shouted together "THEN BOTH BEGAN TO SLAY!!!"

" RETREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" A shaman called, but of course, it was too late.

Florina and Heath sang "Pegasus bells, Wyvern bells, Riding all the way! Oh what fun it is to ride And all the while SLAY!"

"OH MY LIVER!!! YOU-" A Bern soldier shouted before he died.

Finally Eliwood's team defeated all over Bern's forces. Of course, no one had done anything at all except for Heath and Florina, but the only ones that actually seemed upset were Kent, Raven, and Lyn, who obviously wanted experience. Well, Raven's always mad, but that's not the point. As Matthew and Legault wondered around to pick up leftover weapons and vulneraries from the other side, Heath and Florina sang one last verse.

Florina and Heath sang, "Now the ground is red Slaughtered all the wrong Take the field ahead And sing this little song Just get a Pegasus, Or a wyvern too, But watch your back cuz we'll be back And might come after YOU! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" Eliwood and everyone else screamed and ran off.

"Pegasus bells, Wyvern bells, Riding all the way! Oh what fun, it was to ride And allllllll theeeee whiiiiiiileeeeeeee SLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!"

"Er." Guy blinked for a minute, then scratched his ear. "I think they had a little too much fun with this."

"Well its over now and we won." Matthew slapped guy on the back.

"Everyone back to the tavern!" Sain shouted out. "Except for all you underage people."

"We hate you, Sain."

"No, only you hate me, Erk."

"No. Lucius hates you too."

"What?"

"See?"

Chapter 2 Silver Bows

Ah, Christmas time has definently set in. Everyone was preparing for a battle, but they were all... well they were cheerful. Either because Christmas was coming up and that meant no battles for a week, or everyone was still a little bit hyper from the overload of Eggnog at Bartre's Christmas Bash. Louise, the now-leader of the sniper unit, sat on an old stump twirling the end of her long blonde hair with her finger.

"Hey, Louise?" Rebecca, the youngest archer, spoke up. "You know, I think today is the only day all four of us get to go into battle together!"

"I think you're right!" Wil giggled, then burst out laughing. "That's definently a first!" Rebecca starred at him for a minute and then shook her head.

"...You're creepy."

"....I'm hot."

"Yes you are my little Rathy wathy!" Louise hopped off the stump and pinched Rath's cheeks. Rath just gave her a vacant look.

"No, seriously. It's hot."

"Oh... maybe its because of all the sugar and overload of eggnog." Louise let go of Rath and turned toward the battle horizon. "Well it's Christmas and I think we should fill the field with archer holiday cheer!"

"Won't we be copying off of Heath and Florina?"

"No. We're archers, we can shoot them down if we want to."

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA GOOD POINT!"

"...You're creepy."

"Well then!" Louise clapped her hands together, then tossed Wil, Rebecca, and Rath each a Silver bow. "Just follow my lead!"

Louise and Rebecca sang "Lycian battlefields, Busy battlefields, Dressed in holiday style, In the air there's a feeling, of Chaoooos!"

Wil and Rath joined in "Archers laughing, Nomads zapping, hitting vile after vile and on every battlefield you'll heeeear..."

"What's that racket!?" Raven growled, looking around the field. The axeman before him suddenly gave out a shriek, then fell backwards into the snow with an arrow stuck in his head. "HEY! THAT WAS MY KILL!"

"Lord Eliwood! I think the archers' have gone crazy!" Kent called out to the redhaired leader.

"Well...um... at least they're leveling up right?" Eliwood rubbed the back of his head. Kent gave him a look but Eliwood continued. "Hey, I know from experience. Do NOT mess with an archer... unless you're in front of it... well, ok, if it's Rebecca she'll hit you but-" he was cut short by the archers starting to scream at the top of their lungs (and by a snow ball via Nils)

"SILVER BOWS."

"OW!!!" a magician turned around and ripped an arrow out of his butt. "ALRIGHT WHO SHOT ME IN THE ASS?!"

The archers ignored him and sang on. "SILVER BOWS!"

" OW!!!" This time it was a Mercenary. "DAMMIT WHEN I FIND OUT WHO DID THAT..."

The Archers continued on. "It's Chaos tiiiime on the battlefield Zing-a-ling"

" CUT IT OUT!" A wyvern rider griped.

Archers singing "Hear them sing!"

"I BROKE A NAIL!" A monk cried in pain.

The archers began to sway back and forth as they finished the verse. "We'll cause Chaos all daaaaay!" they all shot a general, but he just laughed as the arrows bounced off of him.

Louise and Rebecca began to sing again as they shot other enemies, "String your bows right, cause the arrow's flight, Make 'em bleed red or greeeen As the enemy rushes home without their treasures"

"OW!" the monk from earlier snapped again, "I ALREADY SING SOPRANO!!!!"

Wil and Rath chimed, "Hear the bones crunch See the monks bunch This is our big scene And above all this hustle you'll hear..."

"Hey Lucius, is that song bothering you?" Priscilla looked over at Lucius, who was busy hiding behind a fort.

"Hm? No... I'm trying to hide from THAT!"

"Hide from what?" BAM! "OW!!!

Nils: YAY I got another one!

"SILVER BOWS!"

" DAMMIT STOP IT!" The magician was starting to get annoyed.

"SILVER BOWS!"

" I WANNA GO HOME!" The monk cried for the third time, then finally fell over from loss of blood via a hang nail.

"It's Chaos tiiiime on the battlefield!"

"That's it, I'm calling my lawyer." The mercenary yanked out his cell phone and speed dialed someone.

The archers began to sway again, "Zina-a-ling"

"AHAHAHAHA YOU STILL MISSED ME!" The General snorted.

"HEAR THEM RING!"

"AHAHAHA YOU STILL MISSED!"

"SOON IT WILL BE CHAOS DAY" The archers stopped midsong, pouted, then shouted, "TAKE YOUR HIT YOU IDIOT!"

"AHAHAHAHA YOU MISSED AGAI-" The general shouted, but was cut shorted as he keeled over and died, a snowball buried in his back with Nils standing there, grinning.

"YAY I GOT HIM!"


	2. Soren sings a song

Yeah, um... I'm sorry if this is just flat out terrible and disturbing, but I had to do this because this idea would not leave me alone and it was creepy and yeah. Credit to the people who came up with "I want a hippopatamus for Christmas" and Soren... I'm so very sorry. Please don't kill me.

* * *

"Merry Christmas, Soren!" Ike wrapped one arm around Soren while his other held a large mug of eggnog. Soren could tell someone spiked the eggnog because Ike never acted like this before.

"Merry Christmas, now please don't hug me like that." Soren turned a little red. Across the table, Shinon, Janaff, and Gatrie were all drunk off their asses and laughing like a bunch of loons.

"BWA HA HA! Found yerself a new LOVER BOY Ikey?" Shinon drawled.

"Oh come OOOOOOON!" Janaff snickered, "Ike's with the prinshess! Just ask Ulki! He can hear EVERYTHING!"

"Yes, and I've just recently started to detest that ability." Ulki grumbled from the corner.

"Hey… I wanna DATE with the PRINCESS!" Gatrie banged his stein on the table. "I never getta date!"

"That's because you're FAT!" Shinon snorted while Janaff blew bubbles in his mug. "And don't BANG on the… the COUNTER!…I might spill my beer!"

"God REST YE MEERRRRRY GENTLEMANS for all of you DISMAAAY!" Janaff randomly burst out.

"Thoooose aren't the lyrics, JANAFF." Shinon rolled his eyes.

"Well no SHIT they're not!" Janaff threw his stein at Boyd. The stein nailed Boyd in the back of the head and he turned around, cursing and swearing. "Who's a GENTLEMANS anyway? I don't know a GENTLEMANS and why is he restin and bein MERRY!"

"Maybe… WE'RE Gentlemans!" Gatrie had an idea.

"And why are… you THINKING!" Shinon spat. "You're… not SMART enough!"

"Maybe I'm SMART when I'm drunk!" Gatrie stuck out his tongue, but Shinon seemed to believe him. "Cuz.. if we're restin here and bein merry, we're gentlemans!"

"YEAH!" Janaff chimed in, "We're GENTLEMANS!"

"But Gentlemans have LADIES." Shinon explained, "Cuz we're… gentle or…something…"

"Well then lets GET US SOME LADIIIIES!" Janaff slammed down his mug, then turned to Soren. "Heeey you're a mage, right? You can light my fire ANY time!"

"You damn IDIOT!" Shinon whacked Janaff upside the head. "That's IKE'S wench! It might be… diseased or…something!"

"What, its not like she's got the FLU!" Janaff slammed his hands on the table and glared at Shinon.

"YOU HAVE THE FLU!" Shinon stood up, slammed his hands on the table, and glared at Janaff.

"YOUR MOM HAS THE FLU!"

"AWWW THAT'S IT BITCH, YER GOIN DOWN!"

"BAR FIIIIGHT!" Gatrie bellowed, and sure enough a crowd gathered to watch Janaff and Shinon battle it out.

"That's it. I'm leaving." Soren slipped under Ike's arm and darted out of the tent before the brawl between Shinon and Janaff got any worse."

Soren hated social events. Soren hated eggnog. Soren hated everything and everyone because he was Soren and that's just how things were.

Actually, Soren had this really annoying song stuck in his head that Rolf had been singing all day. No matter what Soren could do, the song would NOT. GO. AWAY.

"Maybe I should slam my head in my desk 500 times. That should help." He sarcastically muttered as he entered his tent. Deciding it was in his best interest not to do that, Soren sat at the desk instead, starring at maps.

"Soren… are you humming?"

"What?" Soren nearly leaped out of his skin.

"Sorry, it's just me…" Princess Elincia blushed. "I didn't mean to sneak up on you like that…"

"Why aren't you at the party?" Soren began scribbling down something on the map.

"Everyone there seems so… scary."

"They were asking about you, you know. Who is that knight? Geoffery?"

"The blue-haired one that has a small shrine of worship to me in his tent?…You're humming again…"

"Damnit!" Soren slammed his fists on his desk.

"I-I'm sorry!"

"No, its not you, Elincia." Soren frowned, "I have this song stuck in my head and it won't go away."

"Well… you should try singing it!" Elincia suggested, "Sometimes when I do that, the song gets out of my head."

"I don't sing." Soren looked at her all scary like.

"Well… How about this? I go to the party, and you can try it if you like. If not, no one will ever notice."

Yay for horrible foreshadowing.

"Yeah." Soren muttered, but Elincia left anyway. He scribbled a bit more, but scowled when he found out he was writing the lyrics. He tore the map in half, crumpled it up, and threw it away. "Get out get out GET OUT!" he began to tear at his hair. This song was disturbing his concentration and he was not going to put up with it. Taking a deep breath, Soren stood up, and peeked around outside. No one was there. Only a few guards were on the perimeters but they'd never hear him sing. He looked towards the large tent where the "Christmas Party" was being held. Everyone was drunk and entertaining themselves by watching Shinon and Janaff hit on Lucia and Anna. Soren ducked his head back into the tent, tied the flaps shut, and then swallowed hard.

"There is no way in hell I'm doing this." Soren sat back down at his desk and pulled out a new map. Once again, he was humming the song, but this time, he just gave up. He reached over, flipped the magic music player they bought off the myrmidon black market, put the CD Rolf had in, and set the song to play and Soren began to sing as he figured out the tactics for the next battle.

"I wanna a hippopotamus for Christmaaaaas. Only a hippopotamus will doooo." Strangely, this didn't bother him too bad. Sure the song sucked as all living hell, but this was actally somewhat… relaxing? "Don't want a doll, no dinky tinker toy, I want a hippopotamus to play with and enjoy." Soren was now on his feet, and had pinned the map to a board.

"I wanna a hippopotamus for Christmaaaaaaaas. I don't think Santa Claus will mind, do you?" Soren nodded towards a doll on Mist's bed. "He won't have to use, our dirty chimney flue, just bring him through the front door, that's the easy thing to do!" Soren was now really getting into it. He was swooping about, pinning things to the board, but he was also singing his heart out and using the funniest facial expressions people use when they think no one is watching them sing.

"I can see me now on Christmas morning, creeping down the staaaaairs! Oh what joy and what surprise when I open up my eyes to see a hippo hero standing there! I wanna a hippopotamus for Christmaaaaaaas. Only a hippopotamus will doooooo. No crocodiles, no rhinoceroses! I only like hippopotamuses! And hippopotamuses like me tooooooooooooo!"

Soren grabbed a map and twirled to the board, paused, "Mom says the hippo would eat me up, but then teacher says a hippo is a vegetarian." Then tacked a few blue flags on the map. Once again, "There's lots of room for him! in our two-car garage! I'd feed him there and wash him there and give him his massage." Then he tacked a few red flags onto the board, before grabbing the doll off Mist's bed and dancing with it.

"I can see me now on Christmas morning, creeping down the staaaaaairs! Oh what joy and what surprise when I open up my eyes to see a hippo hero standing there!" Soren threw the doll down and sang at the top of his lungs.

"I want a hippopotamus for Christmaaaaas! Only a hippopotamus will doooo! No crocodiles! or rhinoceroseses! I only like hippopotamuseses! And hippopotamuses like me tooooo!" Soren held out his arms and had his chin tilted upwards, his voice ringing throughout the tent. And like that, the song was out of his head.

"Hm. That worked better than I expected." Soren turned off the CD player and went back to looking at the map. Not less than five minutes later, Mist came running into the tent. "Why are you running?"

"I… I don't know." Mist giggled, "But whatever you do, Soren… Don't look outside."

"…Mist?"

"Hee heee… Elincia had a little too much to drink and said you might be singing! Shinon thought you were lying, but… you have a really nice singing voice!"

"…Oh… bloody… hell…"


	3. O Lowly Sprite

Credit to Nintendo and to Coca-Cola for their Sprite soda. The songs featured are actually in medly form. The songs parodied are "O Holy Night", "Silent Night", and "O Come all ye faithful". This fic features Shinon, Gatrie, and Janaff. All three quite sober and unhappy about it.

* * *

It was a cold winter night when sadness had struck the Crimean Army. Actually, most of the army was quite pleased, save for a handful of drunks. Ike had come to a decision that the selling of alcohol in the saloon tent was becoming way too expensive, so he cut out alllll the alcohol and decided to serve only sodie pop instead. This was MUCH cheaper and he hoped less people would be hung over during battle. 

The saloon was empty that night except for the barkeep, a few serving girls, and three sad and depressants regulars. Janaff, Gatrie, and Shinon were all seated at the bar, each with a glass full of a white flavorless soda in front of them.

"Man, I don't think I've been this depressed since…" Janaff began, but Shinon finished for him.

"Never?"

"When you put it that way, yeah." Janaff clicked his tongue and pouted.

"HEY! BARKEEP! Gimme another!" Gatrie called out. The barkeep put the broom down, poured Gatrie some more white soda, then went back to sweeping.

"Gatrie, this stuff is alcohol FREE." Shinon snapped.

"I know, but if I drink it long enough, maybe my mind will THINK its alcohol!" Gatrie pointed out. Janaff seemed to believe him but Shinon wasn't amused.

"He's done this before and it doesn't work. Not even with Ilian rum." Shinon muttered.

"Ha… I guess we're doomed to be sober until this war ends. No alcohol, no nothing." Janaff shook his head. Together, the three of them let out a big sigh and went back to stirring the soda with straws in silence as the holiday background music took over instead.

It may have been to break the silence, or just completely out of depression, but Janaff began to sing to the current song playing from above.

"Oh lowly sprite, your sparks are brightly shining, this is the night of your dear flavor's birth." He looked over at Gatrie, who set down his own glass and joined in.

"Long lay our world, we'll be forever pining. Without our beer, our souls have no worth.""No thrill of hope, my weary soul remorses," Shinon chimed in, "For yonder breaks a blue and sober morn."

"Fall on your knees. O hear our sober voices, our rights denied on the night when Sprite was born." All three of them began to sway back and forth, singing loudly, and then dying off when the next tune came on. "Silent night, lowly night. All beer gone, all is Sprite. Round this bar we're so dull and so mild. Never again we'll be wasted and wild." The three of them raised their glasses to toast and nodded towards the empty shelves that once held the bottles of the liquors they loved so much. "Sleep in heavenly peace, Sleep in heavenly peace."

"Fall on your knees," They all chimed, as loudly as ever. "O hear our sober voices  
our rights denied on the night when Sprite was born."

"O come all ye hateful." Janaff grunted and scowled as he looked down at his glass of sprite. As if on an imaginary cue, the others joined in again as they scowled at their own glasses.

"Tasteless and Repugnant! O must we oh must we drink Sprite again. Come and absorb this, scorned by rum and ale. O come let us absorb this. O come let us absorb this.  
O come let us absorb this for Beer is no more!"

"Fall on your knees!" Their voices rang out chorally throughout the bar. Even the barkeep and his wenches had to stop and listen. "O hear our sober voices our rights denied on the night when Sprite was born!

"Oh lowly sprite…" Janaff, Shinon, and Gatrie finished a capella, and then all three slammed their faces down on the bar and sobbed.


End file.
